When does a man feel most like a man? What makes him glad that he is a man, grateful to be alive because of the unique joys of masculinity?
Because God created us for relationship, because we find our reason to exist in relationship, and because life's deepest joys come to us through relationship, masculinity is most richly expressed in relationships. It is in relationship that a man achieves a satisfying sense of completion. But what is this thing we so easily refer to as "masculinity"?
Two elements are involved: a quiet confidence as a man moves purposefully through life, aware that what he has to give makes a good difference and a tender sensitivity to others that makes him willing to decisively and sacrifically involve himself with another. Consider them both.
Although God delegated authority over the earth to both the man and woman, it is difficult to escape the impression that God intended the man to move into the world in a way that differed from his intention for the woman. After the fall, God's judgment on Adam introduced difficulties that affected him as he worked in the world. The judgment was not that he had to work, but rather that his work would not go smoothly.
Eve's judgment, on the other hand, centered on her relationship with the man, both as the one who would bear the couple's children and in her efforts to enjoy companionship with him (see Gen. 3:16-19).
God's judgments on both the man and the woman were neither petulant nor uncaring. God's intent was to discourage Adam and Eve (and their descendants) from thinking that their lies could ever work without him and to help them realize that the full realization of joy awaits a new heaven and earth. He wanted to hedge them in, to surface a despair that would drive them back to himself.
We can assume therefore that when he judged the man and the woman, God introduced problems into the very core of their existence. For Adam, that meant struggles as he moved into his world. For Eve, that meant pain as she related to Adam.
Paul's instruction that older women should teach younger women to be "busy at home" (Titus 2:5) further suggests that the spheres of a man's and woman's responsibilities, though overlapping considerably, are in some measure distinguishable.
This thought is easily abused. No executive or businessman may use this passage to justify working long and hard at his office and letting his wife handle things at home. Nor can a pastor or missionary assume that his call to ministry frees him to do "God's business" while his wife raises the children.
God specifically warns husbands not to be so involved outside the family that they neglect responsibilities at home (1 Tim. 3:4; 1 Peter 3:7). And he makes it clear that a husband's responsibility within his home extends far beyond material provision. God directly commands the husband to love his wife according to the example of one who sacrificed all, including his position, to remove obstacles to relationship that his bride had created and to thereby introduce her to an intimacy they could both enjoy (Eph. 5:21-33).
Directions to the husband specifically include nourishing his wife (providing for her needs) and cherishing (tenderly handling) her according to a thought-through understanding of her sensitivities (Eph. 5:29; 1 Peter 3:7), whether it is in the tender, intimate life-generating physical relationship or in the confidence with which he approaches decisions in life. Most men will, of course, go through troublesome times of uncertainty, but as long as there is a confidence beneath the turmoil that things will sort themselves out, the sense of masculinity continues to be felt.
A woman will not, however, enjoy the company, at least not for long, of a supremely confident man who never struggles with self-doubt, whose confidence is a swaggering belief in his ability to reach self-serving goals. The successful, talented, attractive man who doesn't know how to express his weaknesses and sensitively explore his wife's feelings will not win her appreciation. Neither macho nor wimpy describes a man.
A man is "manly" when he moves through life with a purposeful and confident involvement, when he follows a direction that he values for reasons that are bigger than himself. If that direction reflects the purposes of God, then his style of relating will not be self-consumed, driven, or pushy; it will rather reflect a growing sensitivity to others and an unhurried involvement with them that can be neither manipulated nor stopped. Indications that he is pulling appreciation or applause or confirmation from others to feed either an oversized or a starving ego will lessen the enjoyable impact of his masculinity on both himself and others.
When a man's purposes are godly, that is, when he is ambitious for God's glory and concerned with other-centered relating, he will experience a stability that anchors him through emotional ups and downs (which he will therefore be unafraid to experience) and a noble desire for tender, caring, intimate involvement with people, primarily his wife. In this involvement his wife will feel secure, conscious that she is more enjoyed and valued than his greatest achievements.
Masculinity is not so much a matter of what a man does, but that he does it and that he does it for certain reasons. Little things, for example, like rubbing your wife's neck when it is sore, will be felt as "masculine" even though another man or a woman could provide the same service for your wife, and perhaps more competently. It is the demonstrated and eager sensitivity to another's need that feels masculine to both partners when a husband rubs his wife's sore neck.
A masculine man knows, with a sense of gratitude rather than pride, that there will be impact for good as he moves into his world and that what he gives is most worthy of respect when it touches the longings of his wife's heart. Masculinity disposes a man to move decisively and compassionately into his world and toward family and friends with a joyful confidence that he can promote good purposes.
When the substance within him that defines his male identity is moving with other-centered energy, a man feels a completion and wholeness that makes selfish achievement and immoral pleasures less appealing. Nothing brings a man quite the same level of masculine pleasure as touching his wife in a way that brings her joy and confidence as a woman and that frees her to enjoy all that she is and can become.
Masculinity, I suggest, might therefore be thought of as the satisfying awareness of the substance God has placed within a man's being that can make an enduring contribution to God's purposes in this world, and will be deeply valued by others, especially his wife, as a reliable source of wise, sensitive, compassionate, and decisive involvement.
THE NATURE OF FEMININITY
Womanhood must never be defined in a frivolous way that makes it necessarily "unfeminine" to be fully competent and highly respected as a physician, corporate executive, or biblical scholar. Nor should femininity be somehow essentially connected to cooking, sensual clothing, or a sweet, subservient demeanor. Womanhood, like manhood, has more to do with a woman's attitude toward herself and others as she involves herself in relationships.
A godly woman is more interested in giving whatever she has to meet someone's need than in developing her talents, and she is aware that her uniquely feminine contribution depends more than anything else on matters within her heart that affect her style of relating.
I have suggested that a man experiences himself as masculine when he knows that his very substance is a gift from God moving confidently in the lives of others. A woman feels most uniquely feminine when she enjoys her capacity to strengthen relationships and to encourage others by inviting them to enjoy the blessings of relationship.
A woman is less centrally focused on achievement as a means for feeling complete (although a graduating female medical student may be just as happy to finish school as a graduating male). More, she tends to value giving something of herself to nourish relationships and deepen attachments. Her focus is less on going into the world and more on entering a relational network.
Researcher Carol Gilligan, in arguing her central thesis that women approach life differently than men, reported on a series of interviews with highly successful professional women:
In response to the request to describe themselves, all of the women describe a relationship, depicting their identity in the connection of future mother, present wife, adopted child, or past lover. These highly successful women do not mention their academic and professional distinctions in the context of describing themselves. If anything, they regard their professional activities as jeopardizing their own sense of themselves . . . Identity is defined in the context of relationship."
She goes on to say that men see themselves more as separate individuals, achieving something, than as persons whose identity is found in relationship attachments. "Instead of attachment, individual achievement rivets the male imagination."
The ideas of separateness and achievement and entering seem more rooted in the masculine nature while involvement and attachment and invitation belong more clearly to feminine identity.
I recently received a letter from a husband and wife who wrote to tell me about how they were growing and maturing. The different emphasis in each of their comments illustrates my point. In part of her letter, the woman wrote:
I see two major things now that are being built upon that good foundation [past growth]: The first is that I am able to experience and own my depravity in wonderful, painful ways that are causing true repentance and brokenness. Though the reality of my own wretchedness is excruciating, I'm often somehow aware in the pain of a thrill that I am where I am. The second is a great desire to stand with my arms outstretched, beckoning others to life and because I've learned and experienced truth and reality I can say with confidence "Come on friends, come away from death, choose life!" What a privilege - what a high calling (emphasis mine).
Her husband, in the same letter, expressed himself differently, focusing more on his ministry:
I believe that we are on the cutting edge and are presenting the gospel in a profoundly relevant way. I write this with humility and thankfulness as I see a quietly powerful revolution happening in the lives of people as they turn from useless idols to pursue the living God. All of this is precious to me* (emphasis mine).
The difference is noteworthy. The woman sees herself as inviting others to taste the Lord through her. The man sees himself as moving toward other with powerful impact. I do not think it stretches things too far to regard physical sexuality as a wonderful picture of personal sexuality: men feel complete as they strongly enter; women feel enjoyed as they warmly invite.
Femininity, at its core, might therefore be thought of as the secure awareness of the substance God has placed within a woman's being that enables her to confidently and warmly invite others into relationship with God and with herself, knowing that there is something in each relationship to be wonderfully enjoyed.
These thoughts about masculinity and femininity are neither precise enough to qualify as definitions nor complete enough to bear direct implications for all the questions about male-female relationships. They do, however, say enough to carry the discussion further.
*In this personal communication from friends, it is worthwhile to note that the wife experienced her husband as a man because of his strong involvement with his work and his vulnerable participation in her life. She said, "You would want to worship if you could see him now. It's as if the wonderful qualities God placed within him are being freed and he's just blossoming as a human being, as a man. We're not afraid of each other anymore, so there's wonderful freedom to be mirrors for each other and therefore to be active participants in the growth of each other's soul."
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Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, Larry Crabb, pp. 157-163, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1991.
